WHY AM I NOT *SIR* NICHOLAS BUCKINGHAM?!

From the Desk of Nicholas Buckingham IV,

Recently, I have received several letters from readers asking why, although I'm an incredibly successful British citizen, I have not been knighted by Queen Elizabeth. "Sir Richard Branson has been knighted, as has Sir Ben Kingsley," noted reader Matthew Padwick of Providence Rhode Island. Well, Matthew, I'll tell you why. I declined being Knighted! Yes, I was all set to be knighted - in the same ceremony with Pierce Brosnan and the actor from those Mr. Bean movies, no less. Unfortunately, on the day of the ceremony, I had a nasty case of dysentery from a trip I had taken in the east Indies, in search of a child who had supposedly a third functioning leg and could reach speeds of up to 55mph. As I waited with Mr. Brosnan, discussing one of my favorite episodes of Remington Steele, I felt my stomach clench. Needing to find the nearest bathroom, I ran down the hall, and into Prince Charles's room. Unbeknownst to me, Charles's chamber was under construction, which was unfortunate because I found that out after I had defecated in his toilet, I realized it was not attached to the ground but instead sitting on the floor of his bathroom. Even more unfortunate was that, in my effort to clean the mess, I called in my butler Gerard to wipe me, and he grabbed what he thought was the nearest rag, but which turned out to be an autographed Steven Gerrard football jersey he had given to young Prince Harry, who had just entered the room with his friends, to display it to them. Irregardless, the Royal Family should have known that I wouldn't stoop to the level of defecating in the lobby bathroom, and provided me with a bathroom of my own for the event. On the contrary, they were upset when I demanded an apology from them. The nerve! And thus, Nicholas Buckingham IV was never made a part of the Order of the British Empire. I will not be this country's Pete Rose!