*Note* Recently, the editors of "Teen Beat" Magazine, invited Nicholas Buckingham IV to take part in an internet chat with the readers of "Teen Beat" to discuss the state of publishing Today. The following is a transcript of a portion of that conversation.
NicholasBuckinghamIV: Good day to everyone. I am going to have to keep this short, as I have a lunch meeting with David Caruso.
teencybopp12: Have u evr met JT? He's such a hottie in his L8test vid!!!
NicholasBuckinghamIV: First, I'm assuming by JT, you're referring to English Ambassador to Guyana, Jacob Tavarian. By "vid", I'm guessing you are referring to the speech he made on the consulate floor about stiffer tariffs regarding orange production, that was broadcast on BBC. Yes, I've met him, and I did enjoy his video.
luv2h86: Lol! ur crazee! btw, anybody seen that pic of Brit wit the umbrella? Gr8!
Britfan1989: GAL! Don't h8 luv2h8. NIMBY!
NicholasBuckinghamIV: I'm not sure I follow. Is Nimby similar to Nambla? And if so, are you, Britfan1989, accusing luv2h86 of being a pederast?
Kutcher4prez: Plz, don't be a PETA. Oops, got to go POTS! TTYL!
NicholasBuckinghamIV: Yes, you go POTS TTYL! We don't need your negative attitude here.
G8trgrl4: OMG! GAB Nick! UR so last week!
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Friday, March 23, 2007
I HARNESSED THE POWER OF TIME-TRAVEL, THEN PROMPTLY UNHARNESSED IT
From the Desk of Nicholas Buckingham IV
Like many of you, I've spent significant percentages of my income in an effort to harness the power of time travel. Well, finally - yesterday, in fact - I had my breakthrough. I paid a visit to the laboratory I had built between my guest house and my monument commemorating the episode of "Beverly Hills, 90210" in which Brenda loses her virginity, and, upon my arrival, my crack team of scientists informed me that my time machine was ready for the testing phase. Naturally, I gave my trusted assistant Dimitri first chance to try it out. We set the time-o-meter for September 9th, 1989, so that Dimitri would arrive at the taping of the final episode of "Growing Pains," and attempt to bring back the still virile and beguiling Alan Thicke, so that he might help in my personal crusade to save network television. A few buttons pushed, and some smoke and electricity later... suddenly Dimitri was gone! After a few moments, the expected light show returned, and we waited for it to clear. Much to my chagrin, when it did, we found Dimitri had brought back Andrew Koenig, the actor who portrayed the infamous, Richard "Boner" Stabone, friend of the Seaver family. No Alan Thicke. When I asked Dimitri to explain his snafu, he claimed that Thicke had a "cursory knowledge of time travel already" and "claimed to have been expecting a time-traveling bounty hunter from the future." Thicke then apparently made a surrogate offer: Dimitri would take Boner and the management rights to Thicke's son's future R&B career. When faced with the executive decision, Dimitri caved. Upon his return, the time machine shorted out and is currently under repair. Unfortunately, I am stuck with "Boner," and he is becoming quite tiresome. If anyone cares to take him off my hands, please let me know.
Sincerely,
Nicholas Buckingham IV
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
A POIGNANT EXCHANGE BETWEEN EMAILERS
Recently, my assistant Dimitri has told me I've been recieving several offers, by way of e-mail, regarding quick ways to make money. Just yesterday, I recieved this:
From: "issa muha"
To: Nicholasbuckinghamiv@yahoo.com
Subject: urgent Reply
I am the head of Accounts and Audit Department of Bank of Africa, Ouagadougou . It is my utmost pleasure to send you this confidential message. In my search for a reliable business partner overseas, i got your contact in the internet and was impressed with your profile hence my interest in doing business with you. In my department we discovered an abandoned sum of $ 20.5m US dollars (Twenty million, five hundred thousand US dollars) belonging to a man who recently perished in a plane crash and has no next of kin. We simply need you to act as next of kin, and would transfer 30% of the money to an account with our bank. All you need to do is supply us with your social sec. # and bank account #.
Thank you,
Issa Muha
From: Nicholas Buckingham IV
To: "issa muha"
Subject: Re: urgent Reply
Mr. Issa Muha,
Apparently your study of my profile was incredibly superficial, as if you and your fellow employees at the Ouagadougou branch had done your homework, you would see that I am a MULTI-BILLIONAIRE, and thus couldn't give a rat's behind about 30% of 20 million, or 6 million dollars to be exact. In fact, just yesterday, I took six million dollars and wadded it up in to a ball and stuffed it in a potato gun I had built for me by the British secret service. Then I told my butler Gerard that I was giving him an early bonus, pulled out the gun, and gave him a thirty second head start. As I shot him in the back with the six million as he attempted to zig zag through my rose garden, I realized that in the time it took me to get a bead on Gerard, my stockholdings had already risen enough to make twice that. Therefore, I have no interest in your offer, and I suggest you donate the money belonging to the deceased man to a charity of your choosing.
Nicholas Buckingham IV
P.S. You should fire your assistant. His grammar is atrocious.
From: "issa muha"
To: Nicholasbuckinghamiv@yahoo.com
Subject: urgent Reply
I am the head of Accounts and Audit Department of Bank of Africa, Ouagadougou . It is my utmost pleasure to send you this confidential message. In my search for a reliable business partner overseas, i got your contact in the internet and was impressed with your profile hence my interest in doing business with you. In my department we discovered an abandoned sum of $ 20.5m US dollars (Twenty million, five hundred thousand US dollars) belonging to a man who recently perished in a plane crash and has no next of kin. We simply need you to act as next of kin, and would transfer 30% of the money to an account with our bank. All you need to do is supply us with your social sec. # and bank account #.
Thank you,
Issa Muha
From: Nicholas Buckingham IV
To: "issa muha"
Subject: Re: urgent Reply
Mr. Issa Muha,
Apparently your study of my profile was incredibly superficial, as if you and your fellow employees at the Ouagadougou branch had done your homework, you would see that I am a MULTI-BILLIONAIRE, and thus couldn't give a rat's behind about 30% of 20 million, or 6 million dollars to be exact. In fact, just yesterday, I took six million dollars and wadded it up in to a ball and stuffed it in a potato gun I had built for me by the British secret service. Then I told my butler Gerard that I was giving him an early bonus, pulled out the gun, and gave him a thirty second head start. As I shot him in the back with the six million as he attempted to zig zag through my rose garden, I realized that in the time it took me to get a bead on Gerard, my stockholdings had already risen enough to make twice that. Therefore, I have no interest in your offer, and I suggest you donate the money belonging to the deceased man to a charity of your choosing.
Nicholas Buckingham IV
P.S. You should fire your assistant. His grammar is atrocious.
Monday, March 19, 2007
WHY AM I NOT *SIR* NICHOLAS BUCKINGHAM?!
From the Desk of Nicholas Buckingham IV,
Recently, I have received several letters from readers asking why, although I'm an incredibly successful British citizen, I have not been knighted by Queen Elizabeth. "Sir Richard Branson has been knighted, as has Sir Ben Kingsley," noted reader Matthew Padwick of Providence Rhode Island. Well, Matthew, I'll tell you why. I declined being Knighted! Yes, I was all set to be knighted - in the same ceremony with Pierce Brosnan and the actor from those Mr. Bean movies, no less. Unfortunately, on the day of the ceremony, I had a nasty case of dysentery from a trip I had taken in the east Indies, in search of a child who had supposedly a third functioning leg and could reach speeds of up to 55mph. As I waited with Mr. Brosnan, discussing one of my favorite episodes of Remington Steele, I felt my stomach clench. Needing to find the nearest bathroom, I ran down the hall, and into Prince Charles's room. Unbeknownst to me, Charles's chamber was under construction, which was unfortunate because I found that out after I had defecated in his toilet, I realized it was not attached to the ground but instead sitting on the floor of his bathroom. Even more unfortunate was that, in my effort to clean the mess, I called in my butler Gerard to wipe me, and he grabbed what he thought was the nearest rag, but which turned out to be an autographed Steven Gerrard football jersey he had given to young Prince Harry, who had just entered the room with his friends, to display it to them. Irregardless, the Royal Family should have known that I wouldn't stoop to the level of defecating in the lobby bathroom, and provided me with a bathroom of my own for the event. On the contrary, they were upset when I demanded an apology from them. The nerve! And thus, Nicholas Buckingham IV was never made a part of the Order of the British Empire. I will not be this country's Pete Rose!
Recently, I have received several letters from readers asking why, although I'm an incredibly successful British citizen, I have not been knighted by Queen Elizabeth. "Sir Richard Branson has been knighted, as has Sir Ben Kingsley," noted reader Matthew Padwick of Providence Rhode Island. Well, Matthew, I'll tell you why. I declined being Knighted! Yes, I was all set to be knighted - in the same ceremony with Pierce Brosnan and the actor from those Mr. Bean movies, no less. Unfortunately, on the day of the ceremony, I had a nasty case of dysentery from a trip I had taken in the east Indies, in search of a child who had supposedly a third functioning leg and could reach speeds of up to 55mph. As I waited with Mr. Brosnan, discussing one of my favorite episodes of Remington Steele, I felt my stomach clench. Needing to find the nearest bathroom, I ran down the hall, and into Prince Charles's room. Unbeknownst to me, Charles's chamber was under construction, which was unfortunate because I found that out after I had defecated in his toilet, I realized it was not attached to the ground but instead sitting on the floor of his bathroom. Even more unfortunate was that, in my effort to clean the mess, I called in my butler Gerard to wipe me, and he grabbed what he thought was the nearest rag, but which turned out to be an autographed Steven Gerrard football jersey he had given to young Prince Harry, who had just entered the room with his friends, to display it to them. Irregardless, the Royal Family should have known that I wouldn't stoop to the level of defecating in the lobby bathroom, and provided me with a bathroom of my own for the event. On the contrary, they were upset when I demanded an apology from them. The nerve! And thus, Nicholas Buckingham IV was never made a part of the Order of the British Empire. I will not be this country's Pete Rose!
Thursday, March 15, 2007
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Wednesday, March 14, 2007
A PREPOSTEROUS EPISODE OF SAVED BY THE BELL
From the Desk of Nicholas Buckingham IV,
Recently, while ill with a rare form of Two Day Malaria I contracted while spelunking in Eretria, I viewed several episodes of Saved By the Bell. Normally, I employ an acting troupe to perform episodes of the show live, but seeing as how I was highly contagious, I decided it best to just watch the programme on DVD. Normally, the show is tightly written, with few plot holes and a dead on story dealing with human emotions in their most basic sense. Therefore, I was shocked when I rewatched episode 3.8, entitled "Mr. Belding's Brother," in which Principal Belding's suave sibling Rod Belding begins teaching at the school and is quickly favored by the students.
In the episode, Rod Belding plans on taking the students on a white water rafting excursion. The students rejoice, only to find that Rod Belding cancels on them at the last minute in favor of sexual intercourse with two stewardesses. In the end, Mr. Belding intervenes and saves the trip by offering to lead the students himself. He is suddenly a hero. Here is the glaring error: Earlier in the episode, Rod Belding recalls a white water rafting trip he's taken, and the danger and difficulty involved. Therefore, if Mr. Belding were to suddenly take over guide duties of said trip, with no knowledge of rafting or the dangers involved, wouldn't he be putting the students in danger and thus making this trip far more detrimental than the brief period of dissapointment the students would have upon learning Rod Belding had left them for the aforementioned intercourse? AND, having set up in the PREVIOUS 77 EPISODES(!) Mr. Belding's character as someone who is dilligent about safety and precaution, isn't it slightly out of character for him to completely disregard the childrens safety?! I had my butler Gerard contact former NBC Television Executive Peter Engel for an explanation of this, to which Mr. Engel replied he "didn't remember" but that he's "sure I must have been mistaken" about the episode. Ha! I may have had Malaria, but I know what I saw!
Friday, March 2, 2007
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY INVISIBILITY CLOAK?
From the Desk of Nicholas Buckingham IV,
Last sunday evening, I attended the Vanity Fair Oscar party and had brought my favourite party gag - a prized invisibility cloak that was given to me by none other than Carl Weathers, who had it entrusted to him after the filming of Predator. In any case, seeing as how I would never have checked it with the rest of the coats, and how I normally carry it with me at all times during a party (you never know when a good invisibility cloak gag will help you seal your next three-picture deal), I believe someone walked away with the item.
And I know who it is.
The Oscar for "Most Daring Theft of an Invisibility Cloak" goes to...
Peter O'Toole!
If anyone has seen (or not seen) O'Toole in the past two days, please report to me at once!
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